Who's watching baby?

All three beautiful girls

There are many challenges that face middle class working mothers face, but probably none so stress invoking and complex as childcare.  There are often reports of low income mothers who struggle with how to find and pay for childcare, but what about those of us who are in the middle ground.  Most mothers are stuck making too much money to qualify for routine childcare subsidies but not enough to actually be able to pay the amount needed for quality childcare.  In addition to that, parents who work non-traditional days or hours can find it impossible to find someone who can care for their child so they can work without worry.  

This is the position we found ourselves in 5 years ago.  We lived in an urban mid-west city, where the options should have been plentiful.  Still, we spent hours, maybe even days, searching for and worrying about who would watch our small children.  My husband was working long hours that were often flexed to late or early shifts depending on the needs of the business.  I was working part time as a nurse for a community hospital about 30 minutes South of where we lived.  I worked the same hours every day, but the days I worked differed from week to week, and the 12 hour shifts meant I left for work at 6am and arrived home close to 8pm most nights.  I supplemented my income by teaching childbirth classes, often for a few hours during a weeknight evening.  Most day care locations had strict drop off and pick up times, and most required paying for a full weekday.  No one had weekend or late evening hours.  We managed for nearly 3 years to piece together childcare with friends, who allowed for flexibility and pay-by-the-day arrangements, but were often located far from our home.  At one time, I found myself waking at 4am to get our baby and 2 year old ready, drive 30 minutes North to my friend's house for drop off, then turn back and drive back past my house plus 30 more minutes South, and arrive at work by 6:45am.  The icy winter only added to the travel time and worry.  When my friend decided she was going to return to part time work, the gig was up.  

Our solution was a bit drastic.  We moved a little over 1400 miles to live in a small town my parents had moved to a decade earlier.  My husband went back to school and I worked evening/night shifts at the hospital while my parents filled in the hours that neither of us were at home.  For a while, we had no worries over childcare.  But, this arrangement took its toll on us.  My husband and I rarely saw each other, leading to feelings of loneliness and frustration.  I became physically drained from working nights and trying to sleep days.  Then, my oldest was preparing to go to kindergarten.  Working evenings, I was preparing myself to see her only a few days a week.  The other days, I would be at work before she got home from work and would be asleep when she got up in the mornings.  I was heartbroken and very, very stressed.  

My situation isn't drastic all all when compared with other working moms I know.  I have talked to friends who have, in desperation, worked the night shift so they could actually take care of their children during the day.  These women often did not sleep at all for 72 hours in a row.  Other moms had arrangements that allowed for only a few minutes of overlap between the time they got home from work and the time their spouse had to leave.  If she was late, sometimes the children were left alone "just a few minutes" in their beds so the spouse would not risk being late to work (an act that could eventually cause the loss of his much needed job).  One mom I know found a daycare that was open until 7pm.  She also knew that she would have to pay a routine $15 extra per day (a late fee of $1 every minute after close), as she did not leave work in time to arrive before 7:15.  

The older girls with their friend this summer.

Luckily, just as my oldest was entering kindergarten, I was promoted to nurse manager.  This new job title comes with additional responsibilities, but with more flexibility in work hours and primary day shift.  I am also blessed to be working for leaders who are understanding when my life is thrown into upheaval and work with me to make sure I have the resources I need to make sure my family and my job is in balance.  Stress over the care of our children, though, still ranks at the top of the list.  This year, we added a new life to our family. Just as my parents were preparing for retirement and travel, we added a baby to the mix.  While the older girls are now in school for most of the year, they still needed supervision getting on and off the bus.  I was able to stay home for 8 weeks, but then it was back to leaning on my parents for the bulk of this.  This summer, my parents move made it impossible for them to both care for 3 children and sort and pack their home of 17 years.  We pieced together a solution that required a calendar to know who was going where and when.  On Mondays and Tuesdays, the kids stayed together at our house, while a friend of the family came to them.  Wednesdays and Thursdays, I dropped the baby off at a babysitter on my way to work.  She stayed there until I picked her up on my way home.  The older kids were dropped off on my husband's way to work at a friend's house.  My parents shared Fridays, which was the only day I ended up not finding coverage for.  And then there were the weeks that one or more of the adults in this puzzle were out of town or had sick children and we had to rearrange again.  Until this summer, I had only written about 20 checks total in the 5 years we lived here.  This summer, I was writing 4-5 checks a week for different amounts to different people. My small budget for babysitting was eaten up faster than I could replenish it. It was complicated and confusing, but our children were safe and well cared for.  Thank goodness for my outlook and Cozi calendars.

Getting off the bus

Now, the school year is fast approaching.  That should, in theory, make it easy.  But, not only do we have to find someone to watch the baby all day, but we have to make sure the girls have an adult with them until they get on and once they get off the bus.  There is a wonderful before and after school program, but the cost for just a couple hours a day for the 2 days we need care is the same as full care, and it totals more than one of my husband's weekly paychecks.  Not an option.  So, back to our puzzle.  Thankfully, my parents are interested in helping us 3 days a week.  The other two days, we have one friend putting the older kids on the bus, another friend taking them off the bus, and another friend with a part time (yes, part time!) opening in her family friendly home daycare.  Best of all, my friend raises her son the way we strive to raise our children.  When I asked her what she would do if my baby was crying for attention when the other kids in the home needed her, she asked if Sophie would be happy in a carrier on her back.  Hurrah!  Meals, snacks and milk provided?  Double hurrah!  Still, we have the problem of timing.  The older girls need to be at their location at the same time as the baby, who is going across town, and my husband still has to be at work on time.  We are still working through this one...

Sophie gets to stay home part of the summer.

So, what do other moms do?  Some of them are putting together precarious arrangements.  Others push the envelope for safety.  Still others empty their bank accounts or their emotional and physical health to make it work.  Me?  I am thankful for the ability to move my hours forward or back to increase my options.  I do the best I can.  I hope that the string that holds it all together does not fray.  I wish for better programs that would allow for moms to work without having this worry.  In France, for example, there is mandated paid parental leave for child birth and adoption and there is the belief that society has an obligation to nurture strong parent-child ties.  Compare that to the U.S., where the cost and disruption of child bearing is viewed as a private choice and responsibility.  France has an excellent, nearly universal child care system.  Babies can be placed in either a Crèche (Daycare) or in the home of an Assistante Maternelle (Nanny). Once a child is older, he or she can be enrolled in an école maternelle (Pre-School).  Most of these options mirror the hours a European parent typically works.  Even this isn't perfect, though.  None of these are compulsory, but parents are eager to enroll, and wait lists often exist for neighborhood schools.  

For us, the decision for one of us to stay home is not financially possible.  We both love our jobs and the past few years have required us to pay catch up with our finances.  We still consider ourselves lucky to have my parents available more than half the workweek, but we still struggle to find an easy, cost-effective solution to the rest.  The issue of childcare can, and has, been the issue that can reduce this late 30-something mom of 3 to tears.  The questions on many a days is: who's watching baby today?