Broke

Broke is having to dig through your car to come up with $2.25 in change to buy one small carton of sour cream at the grocery store (to go with the leftover chicken to make fajitas for dinner). Why is this the hardest subject for me to write about? I can blog about my weight, my failures at organizing my house, and even post about the bumper of my car that is now tied on with string. But, the biggest taboo seems to be money. No one wants to talk about the situation they are in, where the money comes from, or what it is spent on. It’s important. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it’s necessary for anything we can’t provide for ourselves.  I can provide a lot for myself, but I'm a far cry from being a literal homesteader.

 

At midnight tonight, when my car payment is withdrawn from my bank account, I will have a whopping $5.63 to last me the next 2 days until my paycheck clears. I have no credit cards. We cut those up last summer when we saw our financial status crumble before our eyes. I’ve already (at 38 years old!) borrowed money from my parents just to allow my car payment to go through on time. I’ve calculated exactly how many miles I can drive without filling my gas tank to know if I will actually be able to make it to work and home again tomorrow. I have a good paying, steady job with benefits. How does this happen? 

 

I wish I could blame the $10,000 loss we took on the sale of our home when we moved. I wish I could point the finger at the medical bills we accrued from my husband’s diabetes, my daughter’s seasonal respiratory issues, or my horrific third pregnancy. I can’t even think about the year we went without real insurance for my husband because the premiums were too high. The fact of the matter is, though, the situation I face is my own lack of adaptability to the current circumstances. We’ve been through layoffs, we’ve added kids to the mix, and my husband spent 4 years going back to school. Our income went down, but instead of changing our lifestyle, we tried to find a cheaper way to keep it up. Should I tell you how well that worked? In spite of falling just shy of frugal, I still accrued more stuff than I needed, spent too many dinners in a restaurant, and was just plain careless with the belongnings I accrued. 

 

I won’t go into all the details on what we finally did, but when the credit cards met the scissors, I vowed to never look back. It hasn’t been quite a year since we made the decision to start the financial chapter of our lives over again, and we struggle with choices and plans. But, overall, I know we made the right choice. Today, though, I have nothing to fall back on. I’m trying to rebuild a savings account, save for retirement, and plan for emergencies. I’m writing, reviewing, and rewriting budgets constantly. We make mistakes, fall down, and have to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off again. What I want to make clear, though, is that I feel better now than I ever did before. 

 

Last year at this time, I had no idea how I’d ever pay the next bill to come in. I would use the card that I had sworn never to pick up again and then calculate just how long it would take to pay it off (and how much it would really cost). I had such anxiety that I felt as though I had a concrete block on my chest. It was a life altering year as we looked at our past and planned for our future.  Now, I try to only buy what we need.  I don't always succeed.  I'm still a sucker for a good sale, and I love to buy new things.  But, when it comes right down to it, it's now a matter of healthy food on the table or fixing the bumber on my car.  I can't just charge what I can't pay for now, and if I spend too much now, I will run out later. 

 

Do I still feel stressed about money?  Yes.  Do I wish I had a credit card to fall back on?  No.  It takes constant review of our accounts to stay on top of it all...what is coming in and what is scheduled to go out.  Still, I don't feel the same sense of dread that used to come over me when I reviewed my finances at the end of the month.  Knowing I was in a hole and needed someone with a strong rope to lift me out.  Someone finally did throw a rope in for me. (Actually, it was several people who helped us turn things around.) I grabbed on tight, swung around a few times as I was lifted up, slipped once or twice, but made it out and I never plan on taking that path again.

 

Note: As a testament to how difficult it is to write about money and my shortcomings in dealing with it, I wrote this blog 2 weeks ago.  I am just now able to take a deep breath and publish it.  Just as I was counting the miles to the next empty gas tank, I realized I would be 3 miles short of getting home.  A co-worker loaned me $20 to put gas in my tank.  The day after I had only $5.63 in my bank account, I had 2 reimbursement checks and 2 paychecks (mine and my husbands) hit the account at the same time.  I felt like celebrating, and it took all I had not to go out and spend a good chunk of the change.  But, I hope that this year, that's the last time I have to ask my parents for a 2 day loan.  I hope I don't have to count the miles until my car runs out of gas, and I hope that instead of borrowing, next year, I will be saving for the future.