Just say no

Just say no.

 

Ah, so mama can’t always do it all. I am learning this bit by bit, but I still have trouble with the one thing that would most keep me from getting overwhelmed. Saying no.

Why is it so hard to tell someone no? I think most of us agree to take on additional responsibilities out of guilt. We either want to please someone else, or we want to do something nice for someone we think deserves it. But, what about us? Does everyone pick up our slack when we run out of time? Who helps us catch up on our housework, much less provide us with extra free time to do the things we love?

 

This week, my daughter was asked to move to a different night for her musical theater class. The original schedule was perfect. The class fell right after another dance class, so I could drop her off at 10am on Saturday and pick her back up at noon. No additional time or stress on my part. Now, because of her skill level, she was recommended to move to Wednesday nights. Consider this: she already has dance on Tuesday and Thursday night. I have a meeting every Monday night, spread out over church councils and girl scouts. Her sister had ice skating on Sunday nights. If she moved to Wednesday nights with the other girls her level, that only leaves us with Friday and Saturday nights together as a family. At age 8, she really wants to have at least a couple evenings a week to just hang out with her friends in the neighborhood, play video games with Dad, or just be at home. I really want to spend more time with my family, and less time running from place to place. I would also have to flex my hours, yet again, to be able to get her there on time. Not easy. So, for once, I just said no. I had to. My sanity was at stake. And wouldn’t you know, my friend sent me a message shortly after to commiserate on how stressful the change was going to be. I told her I wasn’t going to move Kira’s class. We were going to stay in the lower level and just deal with it. Her response?

 

“I don’t know why I need to hear someone else to say what is so clear to me. ..I’m very disappointed, too (that we won’t be switching). But thank you for helping me make the decision.”

 

I also decided that enough was enough, and moved my daughter’s ice skating lesson from Sunday nights, which is when her friends signed up, to Thursday nights. Yes, that means I will only be able to take Kira or Alayna and rely on help for the other every single week. But, it frees up yet another night. And, the bonus? There is only ONE other girl at her level in figure skating on Thursdays. She almost has a private lesson all to herself! She was in heaven, skating around in her glittery purple dress, soaking up all of her instructor’s attention. Win-win!

 

Just as I was feeling proud of myself for rearranging everything, I got a call from a church member. I have been a member of women’s council for the past 2 years, with my term nearly over in January. I was excited when I was nominated in 2010. I was up for the challenge. My girls were older, and more independent. I had more free time! Then, as soon as I began my term, I got pregnant. Then I became ill. Then, I had a baby. You can imagine where my free time went. So, as proud as I was to serve, I was not able to participate as much as I should have. I was looking forward to my term ending. Then, I found out I was nominated to be a deacon. In all fairness, I asked what the responsibilities would entail (not a lot, and all shared among other deacons), and told her I would consider it. But, as much as I am flattered, I know I would not be ready to go my best at this job. I feel it should go to someone who has the time, energy, and commitment. I will be saying no once again. Does this mean I will always say no? There is a place and a time for everything, and if my place and time change, so might my answer.

 

Is it fair to yourself and your family to always say yes? Consider how an extra responsibility will weigh on your emotional state, the amount of sleep you get, the level of stress you carry. Consider the benefits to others compared to the burden on your family and your life. Some requests that are made will be worth your time and energy, while others will drain you of your passion. Just say no.

 

Is it fair to the person making the request to always say yet? If you say yes and can’t follow through, it is worse than if you had just said no to begin with. If someone is counting on you and nothing gets done, they may lose respect for you and you may lose a friend. Just say no.

 

Is it fair to teach your children that you really should try to do it all? Children learn by example, and they should be able to learn from you how to make the right choice when faced with a decision that can impact their freedoms, their responsibilities, and their group interactions. Just say no. Gently. Then explain what you did and why you did it.

 

What’s the best way to say no? Don’t make excuses. Be firm. Explain that you have already have a responsibility right now that occupies your time. Offer up options that you ARE willing to do, but only if you are really willing to do them, and willing to do them well. Then, move on. No guilt. Know that by passing on an opportunity, someone else has the opportunity instead. Know that your family will have that much more time with you. Know that by that one little word, you give yourself another long deep breath in your busy life. Just say no.